How Swan Song Should Have Ended
by jdg9813
Summary: Parody-style one-shot that doesn't feature the destruction of Zelena's story - nor Belle's!


And as the Apprentice's wand glowed purple, Regina smiled as she saw that all too familiar cloud of green smoke drift its way towards the clock tower. That's right, another twister was ripping its way through Storybrooke, and it wasn't long before the circular window smashed in all the chaos and her wicked sister was sucked inside.

"You haven't seen the last of me!" Zelena vowed as the swirling wind caught hold of her, "I'll be back!"

Regina cared not for empty threats, and happily agreed that she _would_ be seeing her sister again… over the rainbow.

"Enjoy Oz, witch!" she exclaimed victoriously as that vile woman finally cleared off, taking the tornado with her. And that was it. Regina had won…

In the confides of her Mayoral office, Regina stood there with a dopey smile scribbled across her face, cross-eyed and apparently delirious.

"Daydreaming, sis?" Zelena asked as she continued to flick through her green color swashes.

"As a matter of fact, yes – but unlike your misbegotten dreams of being a wicked mother… all mine are about to come true." It was then that she whipped out the Apprentice's wand, waving it threateningly in Zelena's face. Robin looked at the shrivelled piece of wood, cowering as though he was afraid a stray blast might hit him, while Zelena just looked quizzical.

"You and I both know you can't get that thing to work," the Wicked Witch sneered, barely acknowledging the Queen's smugness; soon, she would be the one on top, and she doubted Regina would be so self-righteous in the Underworld.

"Beg to differ," is all Storybrooke's _former_ Mayor said before she waved her hand and made it so that she and her sister vanished from the office in a flurry of purple smoke.

Zelena found herself standing in the roof of the town clock tower now, a little confused as to what Regina's plan was.

"People believe in me now," Regina assured, holding the wand out in front of her, and Zelena had to admit that the thing was glowing now. Somehow, she'd gotten it to work. Zelena supposed even magic was more favorable to Regina, just like everyone else had been when the two of them were growing up on opposite sides of the rainbow. But it mattered not, because she quickly waved her own hand and it was a flurry of _green_ smoke that took them back to the Mayoral office.

Robin was even more quizzical than before. Typical.

"What did you do?" Regina asked, taken aback. The wand had dropped to the floor in her confusion.

"Christ, and I thought it was boytoy here who had the comprehension issues. _You're not the only one with powers of transportation_. Like, seriously, it's a wonder you got anyone to believe in you with the amount of thought you put into your plans."

"Wha—what?"

"I guess what I'm trying to say, sister dear, is that your execution is lacking. Luckily, I'm willing to give you another shot."

And with that, Zelena's gloved fist contorted and Regina's neck snapped like a twig as her wicked magic worked its will over her. She loved the shocked look that remained on her face as she hit the ground.

"Regina!" Robin exclaimed, dumbfounded. From his dress sense, to his hair, to his retardedly latent reactions, Zelena questions how she actually brought herself to lie with that man. Thankfully no one would ever have to suffer the same fate.

The Prince of Thieves fired one of his little toy arrows, but Zelena caught it faster than he could say "doy?" and promptly sent it tearing through his left eye, piercing his brain and practically painting the wall of the office red.

Zelena sighed, but then something occurred to her… blood red suited that wall far better than any shade of green her color sash could provide. And so she burst her baby's farther open, and her sister too.

"I guess the Underworld is losing out on two souls," she said as she spread her new "décor" around the office. "Not that they'll be missed much."

When the room was entirely red, the Wicked Witch find herself stomping across her sister's dried out corpse and heading to the local nunnery. A dark-toned fairy was guarding the door, and Zelena took genuine pleasure in making her into a carcass. Once she had properly entered the establishment, she was surrounded by the frightened little creatures. Truly a sight to behold, a dozen nuns turning at her with nothing they could do to stop her from taking her daughter back.

"Anyone gonna try and stop me?" she asked, excited at the prospect, but they all soon whipped their wands and teleported away. The Blue Fairy hadn't even guest starred for the occasion. "Well that's a shame," Zelena comments, "but no matter."

Her baby was there, in her cot, next to a napping Roland. She took baby Hood into her arms and shushed her immediate crying.

"No worried, my little green bean. Mummy's here now." Surprisingly enough, Regina had been right about one thing. The amount of unconditional love Zelena felt for her soon-to-be wicked kin: it was like nothing else.

"Z-Zelena?" asked an Australian accent coming from the door. The Wicked Witch turned to see Rumple's pet, Belle. Less efficient than a Flying Monkey but twice as fun to play with, she was willing to bet.

"What are you doing here, damsel?" Zelena wondered, grinding her teeth as she continued to gently rock her baby to sleep.

"Rumple sent me out of town but… I forgot my favorite book. I lent it to Mother Superior back when she was tending to him in his coma."

"That was a lot of needless exposition to a woman who could be about to kill you."

"But you won't kill me, Zelena."

"And why's that?"

"Because I… have the one thing… that you need… more than anything else… Mother's milk."

Zelena paused. The Dark Swan had taken away her ability to produce sustenance for her baby when she sped her pregnancy up, but Belle…

"The amount of time I spent with Neal it… it kickstarted my breasts. I can help you care for that baby in a way no one else can rival. We can leave town. The three of us. See the world. I've never admitted this but… I've often found red hair quite… desirable."

Zelena smiled subtly as she stared the brunette beauty up and down.

"You're on," she said, holding her baby tight and proceeding to leave with Belle once she'd collected her favorite book – the first book the Wicked Witch would ever read to her child.

But despite having _Fifty Shades of Green_ in tow, Zelena still needed one thing. As the three of them got into the car, she asked her new partner in crime, "What should we call her?"

"Hmm…" Belle thought hard. "What about… Colette?"

"I love it," Zelena admitted, and as everyone else was dragged mercilessly to the Underworld, even Arthur and Will Scarlet because why not, Belle and the Wicked Witch lived happily ever after, as a family.

The end.

Of OUaT.

Forever.


End file.
